Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He shit in the fireplace
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
