dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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