Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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