The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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