Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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