even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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