Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
