our cab driver is having phone sex.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
