4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
