There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
