Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
