the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
