There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
