Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
