Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize