John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
