I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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