Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize