sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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