i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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