i just sent this text using only my big toe
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
