hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize