His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
