Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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