I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
