So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
