I am spending my child support on dildos
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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