dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
