Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
