the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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