I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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