Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
