theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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