my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
