just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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