i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
