I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
