I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
