I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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