Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
