watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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