i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
