so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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