I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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