:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize