I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
