he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
