I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
