i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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