Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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