I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
