i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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