If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
