roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
