there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
