You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
