That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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