Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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