all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize