got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
