I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize