I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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