...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
